Roy Scheider, best known for his role as a police chief in the movie “Jaws” has died at the age of 75. He died on Sunday, at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences hospital. The cause of death was not released by the hospital, however.

In an exclusive for TNC, the hospital janitor speculated about the manner in which Sheider died.

“All I can say is that I had to clean up a shark carcass from the ward that Mr. Scheider was in,” said the janitor, who wishes to remain anonymous. “There were quite a few bullets in the body, of the shark that is, and alot of blood splattered around the room. But I can’t be sure if it was the blood of the shark, or Mr. Scheider, or a combination of both.”

In another exclusive for TNC, we also managed to interview the director of the funeral home that will perform the funeral service for the late actor.

“The family has requested a traditional service, with a few things changed,” said David Mortimer, director of the aforementioned funeral home. “Firstly, as it is a cremation, Mr. Scheider’s coffin will be rolled into the mouth of an animatronic shark, accompanied by the appropriate sound effects.”

“Also, his ashes will be fired from a harpoon, in a smaller, more private occasion for close family a few days later. The harpoon will be fired from a boat that was used in the filming of Jaws.”

When pressed about how many people the secondary service could expect, Mr. Mortimer revealed that more people were expected than originally planned for, to which Mr. Mortimer’s assistant remarked, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

[Via CNN]

Coming soon to a pornographic film near you!

In an effort to promote the Internet’s “healthy” development in China, the Chinese government is banning online video and audio content that contains violent, pornographic or fake material.

The rules, revealed last year, makes it clear that sites that offer various audio and video streaming service should be run by “state-invested bodies”.

Last week, the ministry commented on the rules: “The Internet in China is developing very rapidly, and there are already more than 200 million users. It is everyone’s common aspiration to have a good Internet environment.”

China’s government has used such censoring tactics to avoid creating social discontent before, often blocking access to certain sites on the Internet where dissent may happen.

In an exclusive for TNC, we contacted the Ministry of Censorship and asked them to go into more detail about the censorship surrounding pornography.

“We believe that the explicit material currently offered on the Internet does not align with the wishes of the entire Chinese population,” began the statement they gave our journalist, “and as such, we will be blocking access to these sites.

“However, we realise the important role that pornography plays in our society – namely that if a Chinese male is watching pornography, he is not having intercourse with another person, thus helping to alleviate the great overpopulation problem that our great country faces.

“So for that reason, we will be providing state-sponsored sexually explicit material that is beneficial for our nation. For example, all scenes in such films will be required to have a Chinese flag somewhere in the background.

“Also, when a woman reaches climax during the process of sexual intercourse, she will be required to scream out the name of our great President Hu Jintao.”

The ministry also had much to say about the stories that are used in the new films:

“In our research of the current material available, we have discovered that most plot points in said pornography are immoral. There will be no muscle-bound pool-man visiting a lonely housewife in our state-sponsored versions, as this blatant adultery is not considered appropriate. Instead, morally acceptable stories, such as a wife showing her appreciation of her husband’s new promotion, will be used.”

But when asked about what type of soundtrack would be provided for the government-made pornography, the ministry gave us a short response: “The music will not change. ‘Boom chicka wah wah’ is morally acceptable.”

[Via Reuters]

1) Anyone up for a peroxide enema?

17 tourists in the spa town of Yessentuki (in Russia) were treated to enemas of hydrogen peroxide instead of water, and all 17 had to be admitted to hospital after the mix-up. Apparently the mix-up occurred because water and hydrogen peroxide look the same, which has led us at TNC to speculate that pure-alcohol, nail polish remover, and lemonade enemas will be offered to customers in the future – a move which will surely make the monotous process of having an enema a tad more exciting.

One thing is certain, however – at least the tourists who received the hydrogen peroxide (one of the common chemicals used to bleach hair) enemas will have the whitest GI tracts seen in intestinal history.

[Via news.com.au]

2) Taking pre-orders to a new level

British man Andy Lees, 71 years-old, and with only six months to live, paid a funeral company for his service and headstone. What he didn’t expect was that his headstone would be erected before he had passed away.

He became concerned after many of his friends begain calling him to check whether he was dead or not after seeing the headstone in its place at the cemetary. So much was the shock for Mr. Lees, that his legs started to shake and he had to be taken home after visiting the cemetary to view his pre-emptive headstone.

We at TNC think that this is a great idea, however, and should be extended further for all terminally-ill patients. Perhaps a conveyer-belt that extends from the window of the hospital ward to the six-feet-deep hole in the ground at the cemetary, to make the burial process as efficient as possible?

Curiously, the headstone didn’t contain Mr. Lees date of death.

[Via news.com.au]

3) The dangers of eating on the job

Taking a few minutes extra on your lunch break is something we all do, but if you’re a thief, eating while you’re working isn’t such a good idea.

A man in Germany has been caught after the German authorities used a tiny piece of DNA that the man left on a half-eaten piece of salami at the crime scene (a workshop office in the western city of Darmstadt).

We at TNC think that the age-old advice of, “If you’re hungry, have something to eat before you leave the house,” obviously isn’t being taught these days. However, this does have a positive side, as many companies in Germany are now starting to advertise a “Salami Thief Catcher” that you leave around the house to be half-eaten by any crooks that enter your home.

[Via Reuters]

4) New campaign tactics a possible backfire?

A mailer for Dean Hrbacek’s, a congressional candidate’s, campaign has been exposed as nothing more than Hrbacek’s head spliced onto a thinner body. The campaign manager explained that due to Hrbacek’s busy schedule, he didn’t have time to pose for a full-length shot, and so his head was “photoshopped” onto the body.

Of course, this kind of tactic may backfire with voters, but we at TNC think this idea could be extended further. Perhaps a picture of the head of presidential nominees on the body of an octopus to represent that they can handle many tasks at once? Or maybe on the body of a lion, to represent bravery? The possibilities are virtually endless.

[Via CNN]

5) How to smuggle a lion – almost

What would you do if you were living in the Gaza strip, and a section of the wall was destroyed, allowing you to travel through to the other side? Perhaps you’d visit loved ones, or maybe you’d stock up on that particular brand of peanut butter that you like but none of the shops in your country seem to sell. Or maybe you’d buy a lion and a monkey and try to smuggle them back across the border. What?

That’s exactly what a Palestinian man tried to do earlier this week, and almost succeeded. The man claimed he wanted to sell the lion cub and monkey in Gaza, but we at TNC think otherwise. He obviously wanted to breed them together to create a super monkey-lion crossbreed that would take over the world, as you do.

[Via Reuters]

6) They just don’t build them like they used to, or do they?

An iPhone has spent an hour on a busy highway, ending the ordeal after the owner watched a semi-trailer run over it before retrieving the unit. The amazing thing, however, is that the iPhone has lived to tell the tale. Although it has quite alot of scratches on it, the screen and touch-sensitive controls still perform the same as they did before the incident.

This is worrying news for the team here at TNC. If an iPhone can survive that, what happens when it gets imbued with artificial intelligence? Something similiar to the scenario in the film “I, Robot”, we suspect. As precaution, we would recommend destroying all copies of the movie, in case an iPhone accidentally sees it and starts to formulate it’s own plan…

[Via Engadget and Flickr]

7) A close shave ahead for some Mexicans

In a bid to stop irresponsible driving in Northern Mexico, a variety of laws have been enacted, making it illegal to shave, put on lipstick, or carry a pet while driving. (These come in addition to the good ‘ol regulars, such as drinking and driving and talking on a cell phone.)

Of course, this move has caused considerable outrage within the TNC team. We can’t help but wonder – if you weren’t meant to shave or put lipstick on in your car then why does it have mirrors? And if you’re not allowed to have pets on your lap, who’s supposed to drive home when you’re drunk?

[Via Reuters]

8) More than just a good night’s sleep

Woolworths stores in London have withdrawn from sale a line of beds named Lolita that were designed for six-year-old girls after furious parents pointed out the link between the name of the bed and a classic novel in which the protagonist becomes sexually involved with his twelve-year-old stepdaughter.

How this was not brought to the attention of anyone at Woolworths’ before the “Lolita Midsleeper Combi” was released has baffled us here at TNC. But we’re quite sure that some other lines of beds, such as the “Awkward Teenage Moments Bunkbed” and the “Pregnancy King Size” will probably be withdrawn from sale as well.

[Via Reuters]

9) Just broke up with your partner? Have some time off work!

A Japanese business firm has offered employees “heartache leave”, so they can “cry themselves out and return to work refreshed” after a break-up. But how old you are also determines the number of days that you can have off. If you’re younger than 24, you only receive one day a year; 25 to 29 and you get two days; over 29 and you get to take three days off. This is because the older you are, the tougher it is to find love, according to the company CEO.

The employees at the company also get two mornings off twice a year as “sales shopping leave.” Here at TNC, we think that Hime & Company, and it’s CEO Miki Hiradate have some great ideas, but would like to see some more ways to take days off from work. “Crying over spilt milk”, “Just feeling a bit depressed”, and “I’m so high on drugs from the party I went to last night that I couldn’t possibly work” days are just a few of the options we brainstormed.

[Via Reuters]

10) A chance to strike back at speed cameras

Sick to death of being caught by speed cameras? Wish there was something you could do about it? Well, now there is. A businessman in Britain is offering motorists an opportunity to not only drive a 17-tonne tank, but to run over and blow up a speed camera in the process. Not surprisingly, customers will have to pay for the experience, but can you really put a price on getting the chance to crush a speed camera?

We at TNC think that you can’t, and that’s why we believe that this entrepreneur should expand his business plans to include a variety of different scenarios. Tired of waiting for cattle or goats to cross the road when you’re driving through the country? Get a tank and drive over them! Hate the traffic jams that you must endure every peak hour? Wish that lollipop lady wouldn’t walk out in front of you just as you come to the crossing? You guessed it, get a tank and roll right over!

[Via news.com.au]

Could this be the new iPacemaker?

In May of last year, a 17-year-old high school student presented a study to a meeting of heart specialists, detailing the effects of iPods on 100 patients with pacemakers. (Read about it here, courtesy of Engadget.) It was found that electrical interference was detected from iPods when held close to a person’s chest half the time.

But in a new study by an FDA researcher, the effects of the electrical interference of an iPod on a pacemaker are said to be virtually nil, contradicting two previous studies (that of the 17-year-old high school student, and another) that came to different conclusions.

In an exclusive for TNC, we contacted an Apple employee and asked about these developments.

“Obviously there were concerns within [Apple] that our product might be harmful to some people in the population who rely on pacemakers to survive,” said the employee, who wishes to remain nameless. “But there were rumors that suggested a new type of iPod might be designed for the pacemaker market.”

The “iPacemaker”, as it has been so-called in industry speculation, was thought to be currently in development, although there has yet to have been confirmation from sources inside Apple.

Now, with this new FDA study coming to light, industry experts are starting to doubt if there ever was an iPacemaker project.

“We all thought that it would be a great new market for [Apple],” said John Patrin at a technology conference yesterday. “But with this new study purportedly proving that the iPod is safe, they still haven’t revealed any details. If they were going to make an announcement, today would have been ideal.”

In the past, Apple has found it difficult to break into the older market because, as one marketer surmised, “they haven’t found a proper entry point for the iPod product.”

Speculation suggested that the iPacemaker was to be powered by a groundbreaking new technique that involved harvesting slight amounts of electricity from nerve signals close to the heart, a breakthrough that could have huge implications for certain medical procedures.

Another feature was said to be a new layout for the control of the iPacemaker. “For instance, if you wanted to scroll through your music list, you would just have to circle your finger around your left nipple,” said Patrin. “The right nipple would be for volume, while music could be uploaded and downloaded via a wireless connection.”

No one knows how the sound would reach the user’s ears, however, although some have suggested a similar method to that used for patients with Parkinson’s disease – an internal wire would run from the iPacemaker directly to the ear drum. In addition, only the user would be able to hear the music – a move that the Public Transport Association is enthusiastic about.

One thing is for sure – if Apple denies these rumors, a whole generation could once again be excluded from advances in modern technology, as has happened so many times in the past.

[via Reuters and Engadget]

It’s all smiles for Rudy

In an exclusive for The News Conduit, Rudy Giuliani revealed that it’s not all doom-and-gloom after dropping out of the Republican Presidential race on Wednesday.

“Several denture-adhesive companies have asked me to endorse their product, but I’m keeping my options open,” said Giuliani after endorsing fellow Republican, Senator John McCain.

Sources close to the former New York mayor confirm that he’s also considering several offers from the building-demolition industry.

The new trend in wheelchair bumper-bars

Marine Lance Cpl. Joshua Bleill was an ordinary solider in Iraq, until he lost both his legs above the knees in an explosion on 15^th October, 2006. But with the aid of Bluetooth (a short-range wireless technology commonly used for purposes such as connecting ear pieces to mobile phones) he is slowly starting to learn to walk again. Using the Bluetooth technology, the two artificial legs communicate with each other from devices strapped to the ankles of each. The legs mimic each other to more readily adapt to various challenges such as stairs and hills. The technology is still in its infancy, however.

“I can walk without canes, but it’s not real pretty,” Bleill said.

In an exclusive for The News Conduit, we asked Bleill how well his new legs have integrated into his life:

“Oh, they’re great. It means less time in the wheelchair for me, although my girlfriend and I always keep one close by. I’ve found that when I walk near something like a microwave or radio station the legs often stop responding, or do unexpected things.”

When pressed further as to what these “unexpected things” were, Bleill refused to comment. Our resident mad-scientist, however, pointed us to this, Wallace and Gromit: The Wrong Trousers, a popular television show that details a possible scenario.

With such great strides being taken in prosthetic technology, the question on everyone’s mind is: Why do prosthetic legs need to wear shoes?

[Via CNN]

Up, up and away!

A German airline is now providing a trial flight for nudists. The 55 passengers will have to leave all their clothes on before they board, and dress again before they disembark. Also, the crew will remain clothed for safety reasons which are as yet unclear.

In an exclusive for The News Conduit, we contacted managing director Enrico Hess for a follow-up interview, in which he discussed some safety concerns that many held about the flight. “A lot of people have asked what happens if there is an incident in the air, such as the engines failing over the ocean. They don’t know whether they should put their lifejackets on, and whether lifejackets will even be supplied on the nudist flight.”

A valid concern, but this reporter can’t help but be intrigued by the possibility of not having to worry about spilling food and beverages on your clothes during turbulence.

[via Reuters]

It’s cold here. It’s cold, wet, and my testicles have shrunk to the size of a sesame seed – but enough about the trials and tribulations of a reporter in Antarctica. Let’s talk about pizza.

Antarctica is just one huge slice of pizza that is about to come out of the roller-oven, and countries across the world are lining up with their pizza-cutters, ready to cut one delicious slice after another in a bid to control as much of the frozen circle down south as possible. The topping has already been digested, however, with Argentina, Australia, Britain, Chile, France, New Zealand and Norway taking “dibs on it” before Antarctica was set aside for peaceful purposes under a 1959 treaty. All that’s left is a last minute rush for the crust of Antarctica – the gooey, cheese-filled seabed possibly containing an abundance of resources, such as oil and gas. Strange ingredients for a pizza, and strange times ahead for the international community.

Head of the Antarctic Treaty Secretariat Johannes Huber claims: “Under the Antarctic Treaty you cannot increase your claim [and] you cannot make new claims”. This poses a problem for Australia and New Zealand, who are already licking the lips at the prospect of getting their very large mouths around a slice of Antarctic Pie. Indeed, they’ve already made slight indentations on the surface of the pizza with their cutters, both putting forward some low-key bids.

Antarctica

If countries aren’t aggressive in their claims, they may appear to be uninterested, and yet if they’re too aggressive, it could be seen as a violation of the Antarctic Treaty.

In an exclusive for The News Conduit, we contacted Head Pizza Maker in an exclusive pizzeria in Rome that cannot be named, and asked them about the situation. “Well, it’s the classic stalemate situation. If you seem too eager for the slice of pizza, you’ll alert others to this fact and increase your competition. Alternatively, if you play it cool and don’t seem too interested, you may lose the slice of pizza altogether.”

It is indeed, food for thought.

[via Reuters]