Roy Scheider dies

Roy Scheider, best known for his role as a police chief in the movie “Jaws” has died at the age of 75. He died on Sunday, at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences hospital. The cause of death was not released by the hospital, however.

In an exclusive for TNC, the hospital janitor speculated about the manner in which Sheider died.

“All I can say is that I had to clean up a shark carcass from the ward that Mr. Scheider was in,” said the janitor, who wishes to remain anonymous. “There were quite a few bullets in the body, of the shark that is, and alot of blood splattered around the room. But I can’t be sure if it was the blood of the shark, or Mr. Scheider, or a combination of both.”

In another exclusive for TNC, we also managed to interview the director of the funeral home that will perform the funeral service for the late actor.

“The family has requested a traditional service, with a few things changed,” said David Mortimer, director of the aforementioned funeral home. “Firstly, as it is a cremation, Mr. Scheider’s coffin will be rolled into the mouth of an animatronic shark, accompanied by the appropriate sound effects.”

“Also, his ashes will be fired from a harpoon, in a smaller, more private occasion for close family a few days later. The harpoon will be fired from a boat that was used in the filming of Jaws.”

When pressed about how many people the secondary service could expect, Mr. Mortimer revealed that more people were expected than originally planned for, to which Mr. Mortimer’s assistant remarked, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

[Via CNN]

China’s new rules on pornography

Coming soon to a pornographic film near you!

In an effort to promote the Internet’s “healthy” development in China, the Chinese government is banning online video and audio content that contains violent, pornographic or fake material.

The rules, revealed last year, makes it clear that sites that offer various audio and video streaming service should be run by “state-invested bodies”.

Last week, the ministry commented on the rules: “The Internet in China is developing very rapidly, and there are already more than 200 million users. It is everyone’s common aspiration to have a good Internet environment.”

China’s government has used such censoring tactics to avoid creating social discontent before, often blocking access to certain sites on the Internet where dissent may happen.

In an exclusive for TNC, we contacted the Ministry of Censorship and asked them to go into more detail about the censorship surrounding pornography.

“We believe that the explicit material currently offered on the Internet does not align with the wishes of the entire Chinese population,” began the statement they gave our journalist, “and as such, we will be blocking access to these sites.

“However, we realise the important role that pornography plays in our society – namely that if a Chinese male is watching pornography, he is not having intercourse with another person, thus helping to alleviate the great overpopulation problem that our great country faces.

“So for that reason, we will be providing state-sponsored sexually explicit material that is beneficial for our nation. For example, all scenes in such films will be required to have a Chinese flag somewhere in the background.

“Also, when a woman reaches climax during the process of sexual intercourse, she will be required to scream out the name of our great President Hu Jintao.”

The ministry also had much to say about the stories that are used in the new films:

“In our research of the current material available, we have discovered that most plot points in said pornography are immoral. There will be no muscle-bound pool-man visiting a lonely housewife in our state-sponsored versions, as this blatant adultery is not considered appropriate. Instead, morally acceptable stories, such as a wife showing her appreciation of her husband’s new promotion, will be used.”

But when asked about what type of soundtrack would be provided for the government-made pornography, the ministry gave us a short response: “The music will not change. ‘Boom chicka wah wah’ is morally acceptable.”

[Via Reuters]